Archive for April, 2007


Now with even more Big Eyes

I really like Saturday Morning cartoons…no wait I take it back, I DID like Saturday morning cartoons, you know the awesome ones with the men who had enough steroids in their guts to allow them to pick up the Earth in a mighty roar and throw it as they pop every vessel in their body and squirt blood out like a fountain at one of those Gothic parties? I mean really, the old Saturday morning cartoons were and still awesome. Sure the quality of the animation, the storyline, and basically everything about it were purely craptastic, but, you look me in the eye and tell me that Transformers G1 is crappier than the Transformers Armada, or GI Joe Sigma Six is better than the original GI Joe, or Tokyo Mew Mew is better than Sailor Moon of your childhood.

Remember when after watching a healthy dose of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, GI Joe, and possibly The super Mario Bros. super Show, you would be so pumped up full of energy that you would run outside, grab a big stick, and hit your little brother/sister, causing them to cry and you to be grounded? Well kids are missing out on that, doped up on analrapingdoxamine, they miss out and the fun violent times of their childhood. These shows were made for us kids, for us to enjoy and in turn they caused adults to enjoy them. Many shows had tacked on “Lessons” that were not really needed for the show, because what we cared about was the action.

I remember my first Saturday-morning cartoon, it was 1 A.M. in the morning (Back then, Saturday Morning Cartoons lasted years at a time before getting to the other shows); I ran up to the TV having heard of this new show “GO-BOTS” which I was captivated with. You know why? Because of the cheesy, over the top fights, but, now-a-days, all these cartoons HAVE to teach lessons, each one has an important message about “Teamwork” “Friendship” And “Priestly love”. These kids need to stop learning Saturday through Sunday and just let their brains rot, or else they are all going to be idiotic monkeys that do whatever the big men say.

Transformers Armada/Cybertron/Energon really does piss me off. I mean these kids are not scared of a 500 foot robot that could step on them and kill them? Not only that but they trust them on their first meeting? This sounds like the cartoon is trying to teach the kids that its OK for them to go into strange windowless vans with strangers for candy.

What about these BRATZ cartoons? I mean this cartoon is essentially saying “Buy our stuff and suck every guy you meet or else your not beautiful AND YOU SHOULD DIE!”

So cartoons today, they are overpriced, they really are for the “quality” they give us, we should be getting something back from them, but, sadly, all kiddies want know-a-days is “Naru-mon-suck-my-cock-with-laundry-detergent-bleach”. What happened to the good ol’ days of ultra-violence, where the good guys beat the living hell out of the Villains. So please, if you got kids, do something for them, make them watch the cartoons of our generation and not the crap they have on now, its for the children.


Diet Coke and Super Heroes

So I am sitting here sipping my Diet coke (Motto: Hey, Don’t mess with us, We’re Diet Coke!), and I begin to ponder, why am I not a superhero, I can see it now, I am sitting around doing nothing, when suddenly the alarm goes off. The despond-wannabe “Destructor” has struck the first national bank, standing up, and making sure to pause my Sonic the Hedgehog game, I race to the scene to battle that vile villian. I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Destructor: HAHAHAHA I got 92 billion dollars! Now I can live in luxury!
Me (after bashing through the wall): The Luxury of three days in Jail!
Destructor (Flabbergasted): The gamer of Justice, how how could…
Me (hits Destructor his fifty pound Power Pad): Take that wrong doer
Destructor(Waplam sound effect) Oooooh
Me: Seek him R.O.B.
R.O.B.: Error, Error, game not attached
Me: Damn you R.O.B. (Proceeds to beat the crud outta Destructor)
Me: Take that and if I see you do this again, you will have to sit through Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children
Destructor: You’re…you’re way more evil than I am! (he gasps at the cruelty)
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Steals the 92 billion dollars)

So then I would fly back to my house and I unpause Sonic the Hedgehog and I sit there, sipping my Diet Coke, wondering what life would be like if I didn’t have super powers.

Super powers are great, you can do anything you want and call that a super power. Got an itch that you just can’t scratch? Call it the Super Itch! Got a pet monkey? Call it Jojo: the Super Ape. Got a love of 10 year old boys? Then call yourself Michael Jackson!

I do gotta wonder about super heroines, I mean look at Wonder Woman (Motto: Bondage fan since 1958), just by getting her to lay do and let you tie her up, you could do what you want to her and she would have to take it, and smile, she seems to get into more traps than any other superhero; except Robin, but the type of traps he gets into can get Bruce Wayne in trouble with child services.

So my point? My point is this: Diet Coke makes a superhero awesome. That is all.

April 2007
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