Archive Page 2


Stuff on the Web: Screwattack, a site dedicated to gamers, and the gaming culture. When I first joined it, the forum was fun, and the people were great.

I first joined in March ’07, nearly a year ago. And sure at first wasn’t as respected (though if we can make it clear, I was never the popular person on the site, I was the sardonic, cynical bastard who always knew how to make a smart, witty reply.

But onto the site itself, the site started out with a large amount of smart, funny shows that were knowledgeable in their speech.

They have the Angry Video Game Nerd, a show filled with over the top vulgarity, with profuse use of “Fuck”, “Damn”, and “Shit”, he was their south park, he was the one that bore the main popularity of the site, appealing to the unintelligent minors, who like to spew the foulest of language at any moment for no reason. As an example:

Me: Hello
Me: Eh?
Them: I wanna take a diarrhea dump in your ear.
Me: Are you coming on to me?
Me: Okay…

So, if you like low-brow humor, watch The Angry Video Game Nerd.

Their “Main” program (as they like to call it; when everyone knows that without AVGN, the site would still be relatively unknown); is “Sidescrollers”, a podcast that was originally closely related to video games, and Nerd humor, has now turned into a circle jerk of self love.

Then PBC productions, which, I have enjoyed, I have enjoyed their more adult comedy of Captain S (adult being the 18-20 years of age who remember that type of show), and their documentary on the Pro-Video Game movement was superbly done.

Several of their past shows have gone away (though I do not think any of them have claimed it as a despute).

Awesome Video Games (now on FFStv), was a funny retrospective at how video game shows were done in the mid eighties to early 90s.

GameJew (now on was relatively meh, a guy whose main humor was the dry kind, with music being his big thing. His main claim to fame is that he was on XPlay.

One of the newer shows is Retro Remix (possibly to replace gamejew’s spot), while the music is good and catchy (I loved alot of his tunes), I feel he could do more to remix the music; but thats just me.

They have also recently done a video game contest, the Iron Man of Gaming, which took place in Dallas Texas recently. I did not get to attend but it seemed like it was a good mix of gaming.

So that about wraps up the site, with alot of stuff that needs improvement and some stuff that has been done right, I feel that Screwattack could be a really game site, if it changes a few things.

Rating: C


Why are your wrists bleeding Fire Mario?

Warning: The piece of work you are about to read is directly criticism the emo-clique that has taken the NES and retro-gaming as a form of their own thing, and forced good hearted gamers that love these old systems to hate the systems that you have formed.

First I want to say to all Emos: FUCK YOU. Fuck you for taking the NES as a “Stylish” belt buckle. Fuck you for having pac-man beanies on during your stupid My Chemical Romance jerk-off-a-thon. And Lastly, Get the hell away from my games.

Now, that is out of the way. Retro games are great, yep, yessiree, not like the games of these days, with all them thar fancy Polygons, Trigons, Porygons and all that fancy schmancy 3D art.

I love games, I have been a gamer ever since I could hold an NES Pad, ever since I played a Sega Master System I have been a gamer. And it pains me to see that the Emo-Clique has decided that our past is their clique, their “cool”. They all act like games these day suck in comparison to the games of yesteryear, but lets be honest, besides the nostalgia factor, most of the games of the past suck.

While weeaboos will go “Final Fantasy never sucked it always was the best fucking game ever”; I retort with “Fuck you”. So I went to get an NES recently, because I wanted to be able to play the Phantasy Star 4 NES hack that I found online (with of course a blank flash cart for you to put games on). And I was flabbergasted at the prices these systems go for. I mean fifty to two hundred dollars? Holy-fucking-Jesus. Its just not worth it, I mean what with Roms & Emulators, all I need to do is get an NES pad, mod it to be USB, and then I can just fucking play them on my PC.

I mean there is no reason for these systems to nearly cost the same as a Playstation 2, X-Box, Wii, or Gamecube. I blame the emo cliques for doing this, I blame them and hope they live a long and happy life in care bear heaven.

So in closing, if you want to play retro games; just forget getting the actual console and go for a media center pc, and just mod an NES pad.

There is a lot of resources out there for this, and together we can kill off the emos wanting to be a part of our clique.


Video Game Review: Hunter the Reckoning (GC)

Hunter the Reckoning for Gamecube a relatively unknown game about a group of four “Hunters” solving the mystery involving vampires, werewolves, and other supernatural groups, sounds familiar eh?

Well it should, its based upon Hunter: The Reckoning by White Wolf Publishing, part of the World of Darkness series (now defunct). It had every thing going for it, gauntlet style game play, up to four players on the game at a time, and hundreds of monsters for you to kill in happiness.

So the game play is pretty simple: L or Z (yes you hurt me) to shoot or attack, A button for action, B button for Moving between guns, X button for changing between Magic and Y changing to Default weapon of choice.

With little in terms of customization (Read: no customization), rather short adventure, fustrating at times battles, its an ok Single Player adventure, but excels at the multiplayer standpoint. With four players the game is pretty easy and fun. A great cheap party game; I give it a thumbs up.


Elmer Fudd Calls them Wapanese

So I went to the Annual Anime-Movie festival here, it’s kinda like a cheaper Anime Convention to help pay for the Orpheum theater, an old theatre that had, in its hayday, been a theatre for plays, old western movies, and concerts. Well for a long time now, people have been trying to raise the money to help rebuild it in different ways, like the annual Anime-Movie Festival.

I was sitting in my chair comfily, drinking a bottle of pepsi I stole in. As I sat there, these five teenagers sit infront of me, knowing full well I was there, with their 5 foot tall fake hair, that I kindly asked they removed.

“Make Us” one of them said, and so I stood up and turned to move my stuff, “accidentally” knocking two of the five kid’s hairs down, saying “Oops” as it fell to the ground, followed by one a cup of coke that I had with me, acting as if I tripped over my bag.

The result was that the five were pissed off at me and picked up their things and moved, calling me random Japanese words, intermingled with English.

And so I watched this crappy Naruto movie, and I wasn’t to thrilled with it, but I had to listen to the people after the show (and during the process of buying some food) about how much it rocked. So I ignored it, until a bunch of 20 year old girls came up and asked if I wanted to be with their group. Some of them were cute, a few were hot, so I said sure and I stood up, and I regretted it.

I was essentially their shopping cart, and I was happy cause I got to check several of them out to a very fine degree. But what got me is when they tried to get me to wear a Cloud Strife outfit they had laying around. And so I laid the bags down beside them and walked off, going back into the air conditioned theatre and drinking my pepsi.

I really hate Wapanese kids. People who try to be Japanese, interchange their English with Japanese, or speaking horribly pronounced Japanese. I hate cosplayers while I am at it. sure its ok to imagine yourself in the shows your dressed up as. But you look like a jerk when you dress up like that.

That reminds me of the time I was sitting with my friend Stan, a Japanese kid, who enjoyed Dungeons and Dragons. So we were playing in my basement when one of the girls that had been invited comes down. When she first saw Stan, she was all over him, asking him about anime, drawing and shit that he wasn’t interested in, and made me laugh when he explained this to her:

“Look, I am Japanese, yes I know, but I am not a fan-boy of Anime, heck I have not even read more than three graphic novels or even more than two episodes of Anime my entire life.”

So me and him went back to playing ‘Go-Fish’ as the rest of the crew came in and we started to play. (By the way, it may not be much of the suprise, but the girl left after seeing we had no intention of doing anything remotely anime-like.)

But don’t get me wrong, there are a number of good anime, and manga, I just hate the fanboys and fangirls of the genre. I mean, if your gonna dress up, or talk like, or just try to be Japanese/Asian even though your not, please do not do it infront of me, or you could be the next one to get my soda in your hair.


Now with even more Big Eyes

I really like Saturday Morning cartoons…no wait I take it back, I DID like Saturday morning cartoons, you know the awesome ones with the men who had enough steroids in their guts to allow them to pick up the Earth in a mighty roar and throw it as they pop every vessel in their body and squirt blood out like a fountain at one of those Gothic parties? I mean really, the old Saturday morning cartoons were and still awesome. Sure the quality of the animation, the storyline, and basically everything about it were purely craptastic, but, you look me in the eye and tell me that Transformers G1 is crappier than the Transformers Armada, or GI Joe Sigma Six is better than the original GI Joe, or Tokyo Mew Mew is better than Sailor Moon of your childhood.

Remember when after watching a healthy dose of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, GI Joe, and possibly The super Mario Bros. super Show, you would be so pumped up full of energy that you would run outside, grab a big stick, and hit your little brother/sister, causing them to cry and you to be grounded? Well kids are missing out on that, doped up on analrapingdoxamine, they miss out and the fun violent times of their childhood. These shows were made for us kids, for us to enjoy and in turn they caused adults to enjoy them. Many shows had tacked on “Lessons” that were not really needed for the show, because what we cared about was the action.

I remember my first Saturday-morning cartoon, it was 1 A.M. in the morning (Back then, Saturday Morning Cartoons lasted years at a time before getting to the other shows); I ran up to the TV having heard of this new show “GO-BOTS” which I was captivated with. You know why? Because of the cheesy, over the top fights, but, now-a-days, all these cartoons HAVE to teach lessons, each one has an important message about “Teamwork” “Friendship” And “Priestly love”. These kids need to stop learning Saturday through Sunday and just let their brains rot, or else they are all going to be idiotic monkeys that do whatever the big men say.

Transformers Armada/Cybertron/Energon really does piss me off. I mean these kids are not scared of a 500 foot robot that could step on them and kill them? Not only that but they trust them on their first meeting? This sounds like the cartoon is trying to teach the kids that its OK for them to go into strange windowless vans with strangers for candy.

What about these BRATZ cartoons? I mean this cartoon is essentially saying “Buy our stuff and suck every guy you meet or else your not beautiful AND YOU SHOULD DIE!”

So cartoons today, they are overpriced, they really are for the “quality” they give us, we should be getting something back from them, but, sadly, all kiddies want know-a-days is “Naru-mon-suck-my-cock-with-laundry-detergent-bleach”. What happened to the good ol’ days of ultra-violence, where the good guys beat the living hell out of the Villains. So please, if you got kids, do something for them, make them watch the cartoons of our generation and not the crap they have on now, its for the children.


Diet Coke and Super Heroes

So I am sitting here sipping my Diet coke (Motto: Hey, Don’t mess with us, We’re Diet Coke!), and I begin to ponder, why am I not a superhero, I can see it now, I am sitting around doing nothing, when suddenly the alarm goes off. The despond-wannabe “Destructor” has struck the first national bank, standing up, and making sure to pause my Sonic the Hedgehog game, I race to the scene to battle that vile villian. I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Destructor: HAHAHAHA I got 92 billion dollars! Now I can live in luxury!
Me (after bashing through the wall): The Luxury of three days in Jail!
Destructor (Flabbergasted): The gamer of Justice, how how could…
Me (hits Destructor his fifty pound Power Pad): Take that wrong doer
Destructor(Waplam sound effect) Oooooh
Me: Seek him R.O.B.
R.O.B.: Error, Error, game not attached
Me: Damn you R.O.B. (Proceeds to beat the crud outta Destructor)
Me: Take that and if I see you do this again, you will have to sit through Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children
Destructor: You’re…you’re way more evil than I am! (he gasps at the cruelty)
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Steals the 92 billion dollars)

So then I would fly back to my house and I unpause Sonic the Hedgehog and I sit there, sipping my Diet Coke, wondering what life would be like if I didn’t have super powers.

Super powers are great, you can do anything you want and call that a super power. Got an itch that you just can’t scratch? Call it the Super Itch! Got a pet monkey? Call it Jojo: the Super Ape. Got a love of 10 year old boys? Then call yourself Michael Jackson!

I do gotta wonder about super heroines, I mean look at Wonder Woman (Motto: Bondage fan since 1958), just by getting her to lay do and let you tie her up, you could do what you want to her and she would have to take it, and smile, she seems to get into more traps than any other superhero; except Robin, but the type of traps he gets into can get Bruce Wayne in trouble with child services.

So my point? My point is this: Diet Coke makes a superhero awesome. That is all.

July 2018
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